10 life-changing tips for caregivers
Amanda StansfieldThe ten life-changing tips you’re about to read have radically supported my mental and physical health. Some may seem so simple that you might question how they could possibly work. I return to these practices whenever I’m in need of re-centering, re-grounding and re-confirming that I have the strength to take care of my special needs daughter. These tips are the foundation of my health and wellbeing and are the basics to radiance, abundance, happiness and love.
Whether or not you have a special needs loved one like I do, these tips are universal. We are all caring for someone, whether it be your child, parent or any other loved one. I know you’ll find a golden nugget (or two!) that resonates with you.
First I need to take you back 21 years…
It was the first day my daughter sat upright in a shopping cart, she was a typical happy, giggly, chubby 6 month old. I remember feeling so proud of her ability to sit upright all by herself and doing a happy dance in the middle of Fred-Meyer. That was until she started shaking all over and toppled sideways. As quickly as the seizure (I had no idea what it was at the time) started her body went rigid and then perfectly still.
My life dramatically changed
For 5 years I spent almost every waking moment of my life researching epilepsy. We went from one doctor to another in search of answers. One doctor told me she’ll grow out of it. Another said they were not really seizures but a tantrum. Sure! a 45 minute totally unconscious tantrum where her lips and finger tips turn blue. I lived a life of absolute fear that one day I would wake up and my daughter would be gone. Feelings, no momma ever should have to feel.
Amanda, you have to take care of yourself
Fast forward to December 2006, one month before Stella’s 7th birthday she had a seizure so severe it put her in a coma. When she finally woke up 3 weeks later I almost hit rock bottom. I say almost because I had family with me who gave me the support I needed so I didn’t fall completely into darkness.
It had taken every single ounce of my strength to stay strong for my older daughter during Stella’s hospital stay. But then I just fell apart. I lacked all capabilities. Fortunately, my Nanna and flown over from the UK to help me and she was my rock, the foundation for me to rebuild my strength. In those 3 weeks I lost 20 lbs. I showered maybe once a week, for fear of leaving Stella’s side. I barely ate, or slept and if it wasn’t for the wonderful nursing staff I never would have watched my older daughter dance in the Nutcracker.
I will never forget the words spoken by Stellas doctor who spent 20 years as Stella’s pediatric neurologist. He told me I had to pick myself up to be the mom Stella needed. He also told me her life and mine would not be easy, but that I had to prioritize my own health or we would both suffer.
So right then and there, that’s exactly what I did. I will never say having a special needs child is easy. It is absolutely the furthest thing from the truth. But it is rewarding, empowering and full of love, even in the midst of pain and despair. These tips have helped me find strength and conviction, and given me the know how to stay committed to my health. I think they will serve you or a loved one too.
11 healthy living tips for a caregiver
Breathe
When stress, panic, desperation and depression start to build, and it will from time to time, the best tool you have anywhere you go, in any situation, at any time of the day is your breath. You have to learn how to breathe deeply to start any healing process. Your breath is your ally in any time of need. When you are confused, overwhelmed and absolutely desperate for help your breath has the power to reduce stress. When back to back medical appointments, countless medications and protocols are thrown at you and you have little to no sleep for days on end… Breathe.
Action: I love the apple watch has a reminder you can set to breathe. Schedule 5 minutes into your calendar where you remove all distractions and focus on your breathe. Sit quietly with your eyes closed, or better yet, go for a walk and feel how the power of fresh air revitalizes you.
Find the best doctor for your loved one
Chances are the first doctor you meet will not be the last. Do you homework, talk to other families who have the same or similar disease. It may and often does involve travel. I travelled to Minneapolis to meet Dr. Dravet (the doctor who first recognized Dravet Syndrome) and Dr. Chiron (ultimately the doctor who helped Stella all the way from Paris, France when Stella was in a coma and our medical team here in Seattle were clueless). We travelled to Florence Italy to meet with Dr. Guerrini when we received Stella’s diagnosis and wanted a 2nd opinion. Please trust your intuition and be the boss of your loved ones health. Your doctor is only one piece of your tribe and not the ring leader; YOU ARE!
Epilepsy Support
Caregiver support
Action: Google can be your best friend, research and do more research and don’t stop until you find that one person who listens and is willing to be your partner not a leader in your loved ones journey.
Build your tribe
Build a team of integrated specialists. Functional doctors, Naturopathic doctors, Psychologists, Energy workers, Massage practitioners etc. These specialists look and treat the body as a whole not just a symptom. This speaks to you and your loved one. You need support and a wellness tribe who can care for you just as much as the person you are caring for.
Your tribe also includes uplifting and supportive friends, family and co-workers. Your tribe is there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, or to lend an ear when you need to vent and share your pain. Your tribe is there to make you a delicious home cooked meal when you are exhausted and need to rest. Remember your tribe can only hear you and be there for you if you are vulnerable enough to say you need them. As much as I know you are capable, you are not wonder woman beautiful, you need support too!
Action: start building your tribe of wellness experts for both your loved one and yourself. Accept help when it’s offered and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Eat clean
Eat a clean diet! Ditch processed foods. Say no to refined sugars. Make educated choices on the food you choose to put inside your body. Keep it simple by eating real foods! If in doubt, ask the question; did momma nature grow this? If it’s a yes, great, it’s a hmmm I’m not sure, then it’s a big NO!
Fill your beautiful temple with greens and a variety of coloured vegetables, fresh fruits, nuts, seeds, legumes, whole grains, sea veggies and healthy fats. If you are not interested in eating a plant based diet, make plants the main ingredient of your meals and think of everything else as a condiment. For delicious recipes head over to the recipe section. I am not saying you have to be vegan like I am, try reducing your meat consumption to 2 times per week, avoid factory farm products and become educated on the quality of meat products you buy.
Action: start with drinking a green smoothie, or add a greens to your lunch and dinner.
Download my FREE Healthy Habits Grocery List to help you stock your kitchen!
Reduce toxicity in your life
Did you know the average woman uses 9 personal care products a day containing over 120 chemical ingredients. The FDA doesn’t approve or review the majority of these products before they are sold. In addition some of the ingredients used in the US are not permitted in Europe, Australia or New Zealand. Companies are not required to test their products and often don’t disclose hazardous chemicals in their ingredient list.
Many of the toxic chemicals found in personal care products have been linked to cancer, fertility problems, auto-immune disease, hormone disruption, birth defects etc. Start by reading all the ingredients on all your beauty products. Read more here.
Next, check out your household cleaning products. What nasty chemicals are living under your kitchen sink and laundry room. Chemicals can be harmful when released into the air we breathe, but also when they touch our skin. Remember, skin is your largest organ. What you put on it, is absorbed into your body. Use the EWG’s Skin Deep Database for further education.
Action: be a conscious consumer, choose clean, non toxic products for your home, family and personal care.
Remove toxic people from your life
Just as you choose what you put in and on your body. You can choose who you surround yourself with. Is your tribe of friends and family supportive, uplifting and trustworthy? Do you have anyone in your life who is an energy vampire? (someone who sucks all your energy, demands all your attention, and/or leaves you feeling depleted). Your life will always have a degree of stress that is unavoidable, but any additional stress caused by another human being is your number one enemy.
The demands of caregiving can be exhausting and overwhelming and the emotional impact you face can spiral into burnout. In my case, I battled severe adrenal fatigue, brain fog, SIBO, elevated cortisol levels, depression and anxiety.
It’s ok to set healthy boundaries and to say no thank you to anyone who doesn’t enhance your life.
Action: Make a list of anyone in your life who brings you the most joy. Make sure you reach out to these people and let them know just how important they are to you. By surrounding yourself with loving, supportive souls you will naturally start to crowd of anyone who isn’t.
Move your tush
Having a daily movement practice ties with meditation as my absolute daily must do’s! Our bodies are made to move, and we need daily weight baring exercise to keep our muscles strong and our spine stable. Exercise reduces inflammation and stress. You don’t need fancy equipment, or a lot of time. Go for a walk, add some squats, or lunges, throw in a plank or pushups. Turn on your favourite tunes and throw a dance party at home (my personal favourite), treat yourself to a yoga or barre class — anything that gets you up off your tush and moving is great.
Action: Start with 10 minutes. As you can work your way up to 60 minutes even if that means you break up your movement practice into small chunks. The more you move, the move you will crave it and it will easily become a welcomed part of your day. Better yet, reach out to a friend who will join you and keep you accountable.
Get deep restful sleep
Equally as important as a daily movement practice is getting adequate rest. I can speak first hand how difficult this can be for a caregiver. There are nights and often weeks when I’m up all night with Stella while she is having seizures. This is when your tribe can really serve you. You have to be vulnerable and ask for help. Hire a night nurse, or additional caregivers if you can. Ask your partner to take night duty turns with you, and if you need to take a nap during the day –– do it!
It’s easy to want to stay up late when you are no longer on “duty”, this could be the only precious time you get to spend with your spouse, or you might chores that need doing. But i’m telling you right now if you are exhausted and feeling any signs of burnout, you have to get the sleep your body is craving and needs to be the best person you can.
Create a beautiful sleep ritual that becomes part of your nightly routine. Wind down with a cup of herbal tea. Switch off all electronics well before you close your eyes. Keep your room cool, block out all light, diffuse soothing essential oils like lavender, vetiver, sandalwood or frankincense. Listen to calming music, meditate, have a nightly mantra you sing.
Ditch all caffeine by 3pm, limit your alcohol intake and eat at least an hour before you go to bed.
Action: Create your own personal night time ritual and make a commitment to sleep.
Meditate
No matter your religious beliefs, meditation is a practice anyone can do to support their health and overall welling. It has been a massive help to me over the last 10 years and more so in the last couple as Stella’s health declines. What I love most is that it allows me to get out of my own head, and to connect with my heart, values and true self. I can quieten my overactive brain and slow down my constant thoughts.
A walk in nature can also be a form of meditation. Swimming in the ocean is a soothing form of meditation. Anything that allows you to feel true bliss and contentment. Massage can relax your body so meditation is easier to practice. Talking with loved ones, or a therapist can relieve the pressures in your mind so you can go deeper in your meditation practice. Often I feel equally as relaxed and rejuvenated with a yoga class, but there are times when my body craves the simple act of stillness and conscious breathing.
Action: Start with 5 minutes of stillness where you remove all distractions and close your eyes. As you are able build your practice to 20 minutes or longer. Listen to one of my meditation playlists.
Acceptance
This is a biggie and something I still find myself battling. I often wish and hear my inner voice saying “why can’t you just be like your sister”. It’s worse when we are out in public and Stella’s hunched over like a little old granny and hardly able to walk and people start to stare, or if she’s drooling, throwing a tantrum or generally acting “different” and people move away from us. The worst is when I see other mum’s pull their children away from Stella, when all she wants to do is say hi. This raw pain I feel hits me so hard I often fight back tears until I’m home then I allow myself the time to grieve.
Grieving is part of acceptance. Allow yourself to feel all emotions. Everyone feels sadness and pain. As a caregiver grieving is a dominant emotion. You need to honor and face these deep emotions not turn away from them.
Unconditional acceptance is the path of a wellness warrior. It takes courage and an incredible amount of strength to embrace your situation –– to be fully present and loving toward yourself and your loved one exactly as you are. You are your reality. But it doesn’t define or own you. Circumstances for you and your loved one could change. But, clinging onto that glimmer of hope creates a false sense of what’s happening right now. That false reality takes you out of the present moment. Right here and now is what matters most. Building a strong foundation now will allow you access the support and care you and your loved one needs. Recognize all that you do! If you are constantly in search of answers and wanting to better the situation, you must give equal time to what you are grateful for night now.
Action: start a gratitude journal and share what you are most grateful for. The smallest details often provide the most happiness. The more gratitude you feel the more joy and love you start to feel and more you have to feel grateful.
Radical acceptance does not mean you are giving up. It just means you accept things as they are now. It also allows you to breathe. The power of your breath allows you to rest, restore and rejuvenate.
You my beautiful wellness warrior are stronger than you know, I send you love from the deepest part of my heart. Stay committed to your health!
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