The beauty of saying ‘No thank you’ without guilt

I’ve struggled with saying “No” my entire life. Cancer is my astrological sign and I am a nurturer at heart. I always thought it was just a part of who I am to say “sure thing, I can do that”, but it wasn’t until I did some serious shadow work — where you work with your ‘shadow side’ to create positive change, that I realized I was a people pleaser, and that early in my youth I desperately wanted to be liked and accepted so I put everyone else first and me last.

people pleaser

If I’m honest I think I was this way as a child, but it truly manifested when I moved to the United States. My true people pleasing personality emerged when I was 13. Back then I was heavily bullied at school for having an accent and sounding different. I was teased for having long straight hair, for not liking the same music, and because I didn’t wear makeup.

Desperately wanting to ‘fit in’, I started saying yes whenever anyone needed help. I wanted so badly to be accepted that my fear of disappointing someone triggered my own feelings of rejection.

I think I got it from my Nanna who was the most loving woman I’ve ever known. Nanna was my surrogate mum while my mum was in nursing school. She raised me to be kind, generous and “helpful” to others. I think I took this to the extreme though.

If a friend was moving house, I’d be the be first to put aside whatever it was I was doing and whip up some snacks and dedicate my entire day to helping pack and move boxes.

If there was a need at school for a parent volunteer, I was the first to put my name down without even looking at my calendar.

When a last minute booking came in I’d jump at the opportunity even though my schedule was booked out for weeks without a free day.

I was terrible at saying “No thank you”.

I’ll never forget the time when I worked as a makeup artist, I was working in a remote location with limited telephone access. This was before cell phones were used and everyone had a pager. There was a knock on my hotel room door in the middle of the night. The hotel security guard had answered the one only phone in the hotel and it was my agent calling to tell me my daughter was in the hospital. I felt like a failed her. I knew intuitively I shouldn’t have said yes to the job, yet there I was, hours away from her when she needed me the most.

my wake up

Stella was 6 when she spent 3 weeks in a coma and I spent every minute in the ICU room with her. It wasn’t until after we came home that I hit rock bottom. I weighed under 100 pounds, was suffering from PTSD, chronic fatigue, adrenal fatigue, digestive issues and severe anxiety. It was her neurologist that told me I was sick and I had to start taking care of myself first so I could be the best mum and caregiver for her.

I knew I had to put my health first. I needed to be strong emotionally and physically to take care of her my typical 14 hour days working on set with a 5am call time was not conducive to my health and happiness. Plus, I had another daughter who needed me too. This meant I had to learn to say “No”. But I also had to learn to say No without feeling any guilt.

So that’s what I did, right then and there. I learned to show up for me. I found confidence in my voice, my truth and in me. And since then, my life has continued to blossom…

healthy boundaries

The word boundary never really entered my vocabulary until I became a single mom. For 8 years I raised 2 girls on my own and at the the same time juggled a career that was mostly an out of town career. I learned pretty quickly whenever I overextended myself I was left feeling depleted and my PTSD and other health issues would start to manifest again.

It’s a misconception to think when we say no to another person we are letting them down. When we do something out of feeling obligated, our heart isn’t in it. There are no feelings of joy, instead feelings of resentment and bitterness form. This is not healthy for us, or the person we are helping.

So why then, are we so scared to speak our truth?

I found it fascinating when my therapist told me, it’s really our own feelings of rejection and let down that gets in the way of saying “No thank you “without guilt.  Here’s the thing… a lot of folk struggle with setting boundaries, but once you do, it’s the most liberating feeling to be in full control of all your decisions. There is an immense beauty in being able to simply say “No thank you, I can’t commit to that right now”. You take back your power, and with it you become stronger, more productive, a better parent, business owner, friend and a much more loving partner.

practice progress not perfection

Far too often we set ourselves up for failure and end up disappointed. So we practice progress. Take out the word perfection from your vocabulary. As humans we are not perfect, nor as we meant to be.  But we can learn from our past and with a growth mindset we do the best we can to be the best version of ourselves without judgment. T

This doesn’t mean you stop helping your friends and loved ones, or take on an extra work project because you really want it on your CV. It just means you slow down enough to truly listen to what is best for you. You also say “Yes” to what brings you the most joy and because you truly want to. You deserve to feel appreciated, valued and respected not as someones crutch and easily taken advantage of.

“Show up for others because you CAN, and because you WANT to.”

This week I took on an extra project to help a friend with her business. She needed yoga tutorials for her clients and as that’s not her area of expertise. Yoga is my passion and I get immense pleasure out of practicing but also teaching so I happily said yes. My husband is involved in a big acquisition with his company, and I stopped my work to sound out ideas with him because he needed me. I did this because I love him and truly enjoy using my business brain. I dropped off snacks at my daughters school for the teachers who have to pack up their classrooms all alone this year due to Covid-19 restrictions. Why? Because I wanted to be of service and support the people who spend hours every week helping my daughter be the best she can be. I’m not sharing this to earn points from you, but to show it’s possible to be of service because you truly want to be. To do things from a place of love not because you feel obligated.

So, I urge you… the next time you are on auto-pilot and say yes to something you instantly regret. Ask yourself, is it a full body yes, do I really want to do this? If your answer is no, then try saying “No thank you” and see how this makes you feel. This simple phrase radically changed my life. It has brought so much calm and clarity with no guilt attached.

Read more about creating self-love practices here and be sure to download your free self-love menu here.

XO

Amanda