Caregiving Wound

For any caregiver wanting to break open the “Caregiving Wound” you have to start somewhere. Yet there is so little information out there to help anyone get started.

What is the Caregiver Wound?

What is the Caregiver Wound and how do you know if you’ve experienced one? This guide will help you identify signs, symptoms, and steps to recovery.

When I first started talk therapy and the concept of “The Mother Wound” was brought up I immediately educated myself on this phrase and thought this is exactly what I’m going through except in reverse. What I had was a parenting wound. I was the victim. The victim to chronic trauma from being the witness to my daughters disease. The victim to her mood swings, which can be violent and full of rage. I do feel unloved at times. The knowing that your child at any moment can flip and treat you with such malice is beyond heartbreaking. I have felt hopelessness and despair over her disease, I’ve felt alone, embarrassed, resentment, jealous of other parents and anger.

A typical Mother Wound goes back generations, they are carried through DNA and over time become family stories, myths and legacies.

“The Mother Wound is an attachment trauma that creates a sense of confusion and devastation in the child’s psyche. It instills deeply rooted beliefs that make the child feel unloved, abandoned, unworthy of care and even fearful of expression themselves.” unknown.

But, I realized this wound expands further than just to the parent, it impacts the entire family and into the community.

This is why I’ve coined the phrase “Caregiver Wound.” People need to know it exists in order to heal.

Parental trauma is deeply personal, and a highly sensitive topic. Since it’s not talked about as much as other types of trauma or abuse, it can feel quite foreign and alienating to acknowledge its presence in your life. When you are the Grandparent, relative or paid caregiver you get to walk away at any time, but once wounded, that wound remains with you.

I find it fascinating and also terrifying that noone is talking about the Caregiver Wound. This wound is raw, deep and many never truly heal from it. A special needs child is both a magical gift and a festering heartache. It can show you to appreciate life through a lens you’d never otherwise know, but it also brings with it grief and despair.

Let’s define the Caregiver Wound

The Caregiver Wound is an attachment trauma that creates a sense of confusion and devastation in the caregiver and/or parent’s psyche. It instills rooted beliefs that make the parent feel unloved, abandoned, incapable of care, and fearful of expressing themselves. This would can be so strong that it unconsciously affects their adult relationships and mental health.

Do you have a Caregiver Wound?

By looking back at your years of being a parent, and use it as a lens to understand your current emotional health we can begin to illuminate the answer to this question.

Experiencing emotional or physical abuse, or a lack of connection or love from your child can feel incredibly isolating. It makes you feel like an outsider, causes self-doubt and makes it challenging to trust your own emotions and your parenting skills. You harden, create an armour of protection around your heart and start to disassociate from who you once were, the parent you thought you’d be and the child you dreamt of having. Due to the complex nature of a special needs child, parents and caregivers often dismiss the prevalence of chronic trauma associated with caregiver.

Challenges that lead to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and CTSD (chronic traumatic stress disorder) have been reported as:

uncertainty around cause of disease, cure and prognosis
challenging communication if any
lack of attachment
unmet service needs
low levels of family and community support
low confidence in their ability to manage their child’s condition
victim/witness of physical aggression (physical abuse)
victim/witness of verbal assault
victim/witness of self-harm

The Caregiver Wound can manifest as feelings of failure, codependent patterns, depression, anxiety, attachment issues, disordered eating, substance misuse, sleep disturbances, fear and overwhelm. Overtime, patterns in thinking, emotions and interpersonal relationships emerge and can point to a Caregiver Wound that needs tending to. Common traits of parents who are struggling with a Caregiver Wound include:

Fear of having another child
A belief that nothing you do is ever “good enough”
A cruel inner dialogue
Lack of confidence
Paralyzing perfection
Feelings of isolating and pushing away friends and family members
Self-Sabotaging patterns in relationships and friendships
Lack of motivation to start or complete projects
Irritable bowel
Frequently sick
Fatigue and Lethargy
Unmet service needs
low levels of family and social support
Thyroid problems
Complex medical concerns

No two experiences are the same, and the way the wound manifests depends on severity of each situation. Is the child verbal? Does she make eye contact? Is he abusive? Do they communicate love? Are they able to connect with you at all? Is the abuse daily, weekly, sporadic?

An article written in Science Direct states that, “Challenging child behaviours positively predict symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder in parents of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Rare Diseases.”

Treatment and Recovery

There are three components to releasing the past and healing from parental trauma:

Knowing the signs, symptoms, and behaviors to look out for
The desire and willingness to do something about it
A willingness to confront, heal and persevere

The first two steps are essential in releasing old wounds, the third is the deciding factor in the healing journey. By combining trauma therapy with holistic techniques many parents have made the journey from awareness and desire to finding lasting health, happiness and healing.

Trauma Therapy

Processing Caregiver Wounds can closely resemble working with PTSD and CTSD. Due to the complex nature of this trauma, an important first step is seeking professional support from a trauma therapist.

Techniques such as narrative parts work, talk therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (MDR) show an insight to the severity of the wound. By reconnecting to your parenting experiences, you gain the language needed to rewrite your story and the limiting beliefs that are causing you to suffer.

Holistic Therapies

Complex traumas, such as Caregiver Wound, respond remarkably well to holistic techniques such as guided meditations, breathwork, healing mantras, grounding exercises, mindfulness, a regular movement practice, tapping, sound therapy, aroma therapy and journaling. Building a vast and integrative toolbox of self-care practices and coping skills will prepare you to remain grounded and connected to your True Self as you journey towards a life of Health, Happiness and Vitality.

Group Support

Connecting with other caregivers who can understand and validate your experiences and emotions is a powerful way to find acceptance and self compassion. Knowing you are not alone and hearing other’s stories empowers us to share and process our own. Whether it’s in the form of a therapy group, support group, or an online course that combines holistic techniques with group support, the impact will be the same.

The good news is that there is a world of support out there for caregivers and parents who have experienced a Caregiver Wound or are looking to heal from one. No matter where you are on your healing journey, there are many ways to find healing and empowerment.

It is normal to feel a sense of grief, anger or loss when you begin to accept you have a Caregiver Wound. With love, the right help and a support system in place, it is possible to move past the Caregiver Wound, learn to learn to love yourself and form healthy relationships. And it is possible to life a full life with health, happiness and vitality.

Remember you deserve to live a healthy vibrant life full of happiness and love!